Some changes arrive all at once. A new job means a new city. A marriage ends, and suddenly there are two homes, two sets of rules, and a lot of packing boxes. Sometimes a move and a divorce happen in the same year.
Parents often come to me carrying a lot of guilt about these changes. I want to say this first: big changes are part of many childhoods, and they don’t doom a child. What matters most is how the change is handled and how supported your child feels along the way.
What do children feel when life changes?
Children feel the same things adults feel, but with fewer words and much less control.
Loss of control. Children usually don’t get a say in a move or a divorce. The Child Mind Institute notes that one of the things that troubles kids most during a move “is that they don’t have any control over their environment” (Child Mind Institute).
Fear and confusion. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry says children are “frightened and confused by the threat to their security” when parents divorce. Many quietly believe they caused it, or that they can fix it (AACAP, 2017).
Grief. Even a happy move means saying goodbye to friends, teachers, a bedroom and a familiar street. That loss is real, even if the new place turns out to be wonderful.
What you see depends on age. The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that preschoolers may show separation anxiety, sleep problems or go back to younger behaviors. School-age children may be moody, slip at school, or worry that the divorce is their fault. Teens may pull away, take more risks, or worry about money and divided loyalty (HealthyChildren.org).
Does moving or divorce harm children in the long run?
It’s a fair question. The research gives a more hopeful answer than many parents expect.
On moving, a 2021 meta-analysis pulled together 64 studies. It found a small-to-medium link between moving in childhood and poorer health and behavior. That link depended on the child’s age, how often they moved, and what else was going on. Family income, parents’ marital status and other hardships in childhood explained a good part of it (Simsek et al., 2021). AACAP likewise notes that moves are harder when they come with other big changes, “such as a death, divorce, loss of family income, or a need to change schools” (AACAP, 2017).
On divorce, the AAP puts it plainly: how much a divorce affects your child “depends largely on how you and your spouse treat each other before, during and after the divorce.”
So the change itself is only part of the story. The parts you have some control over matter a great deal.
What helps children through a move or a divorce?
Keep things predictable. When the big things are changing, small routines become anchors. Keep meals, bedtime and household rules as steady as you can. After a divorce, try to keep routines and rules similar across both homes (HealthyChildren.org). Clinicians at the Child Mind Institute say the sooner children know “You’ll be here for these days and here for these days,” the sooner they settle (Child Mind Institute). After a move, set up routines right away, even among the boxes.
Tell the truth in words they can handle. Children cope better with a clear, simple explanation than with silence, because silence leaves room for scary guesses. A young child needs to know what will change for them: where they’ll sleep, when they’ll see each parent, and whether the dog is coming. Teens usually want more detail and a chance to say how they feel. With divorce, AACAP advises telling children plainly that it is not their fault and that you both still love them and will always be their parents. Say it more than once.
Keep them out of adult conflict. This one matters most. Don’t use children as messengers, don’t criticize the other parent in front of them, and don’t ask them to choose sides (AACAP; HealthyChildren.org). As a psychologist quoted by the Child Mind Institute puts it, “Someone could be a lousy spouse and a good parent.” If the two of you can’t talk calmly yet, work out the logistics away from the children.
Give them some control. Let them choose the paint color for their new room, pack a special box of their own, or plan a goodbye with friends. The Child Mind Institute and AACAP both suggest involving children in small decisions like these. Showing them photos or a map of the new area can help too.
Protect their connections. Relationships are what children lose most in a move, and what they fear losing in a divorce. Help them keep in touch with old friends by video call, letters or visits. Sign them up for a club or team in the new place so friendships can grow around shared interests (Child Mind Institute). After a divorce, support your child’s relationship with the other parent, and with grandparents, teachers and other trusted adults (HealthyChildren.org).
Let feelings be mixed. Your child may be excited and sad, relieved and angry, all in one afternoon. You don’t have to cheer them up. It’s enough to say, “This is a lot. It makes sense that you feel that way.”
What about moving to another country?
Moving between countries brings all of this and more: a new language, new school customs, and sometimes a lost sense of where “home” is. Children who spend a big part of their growing-up years outside their parents’ home culture are often called third culture kids. Their parents’ passport country is not quite theirs, and neither is the one they’re living in. The original definition says they often build relationships to all of these cultures “while not having full ownership in any” (Interaction International).
This one is personal for me. I raised my five children across several countries, so I know the packing, the goodbyes, and the questions that come later. If your family has moved countries, or your teen is struggling to feel at home here, my multicultural and third culture kids page says more about how I can help.
Signs your child may need more support
Many children settle as the new normal takes shape, especially with the kind of support above. Consider talking to your pediatrician or a counselor if you notice:
- Changes in appetite or sleep that don’t settle
- Pulling away from friends or activities they used to enjoy
- A drop in grades or refusing to go to school
- Ongoing irritability, anger or aggression
- Sadness that lasts, or talk of feeling hopeless
- Other dramatic changes in behavior or mood
AACAP lists changes in appetite, withdrawal, a drop in grades, irritability, sleep problems and dramatic changes in behavior or mood as signs to watch for after a move. If your child talks about hurting themselves, call 911 in an emergency, or call or text 988. In Washington County you can also call the crisis line at 503-291-9111.
In my office, younger children usually work through change in play. A child might set up two dollhouses, or pack and unpack a toy truck again and again. Teens usually prefer to talk. With parents, I meet you first to hear your family’s story, and I keep you updated as we go. You can read more about my therapy for children and teens and how I support families through transitions, divorce and loss.
Talk it through with me
If your family is in the middle of a move, a separation, or both, and you’re worried about how your child is coping, let’s talk. I offer a free phone consultation, and my office is in King City, just a few minutes from central Tigard. Call me at 503-495-5072 or send me a message.
Sources
- American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (2017). Children and Divorce, Facts for Families No. 1. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-and-Divorce-001.aspx
- American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (2017). Moving: Helping Children Cope, Facts for Families No. 14. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-And-Family-Moves-014.aspx
- American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org. Divorce and Separation: How to Help Your Child Adjust. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/types-of-families/Pages/Adjusting-to-Divorce.aspx
- Child Mind Institute. Advice for Moving With Children and How to Help Kids Through Divorce (Rachel Ehmke). https://childmind.org/article/advice-for-moving-with-children/ ; https://childmind.org/article/supporting-kids-during-a-divorce/
- Simsek, M., Costa, R., & de Valk, H. A. G. (2021). Childhood residential mobility and health outcomes: A meta-analysis. Health & Place, 71, 102650. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.healthplace.2021.102650
- Interaction International. Third Culture Kid Definition (citing Pollock & Van Reken, Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds). https://interactionintl.org/third-culture-kid-definition/