You have made the decision to get your child some support. Then comes a question that can feel surprisingly hard: how do you actually tell them?
Many parents worry about saying the wrong thing. You don’t want your child to feel something is wrong with them, or that they are in trouble. The good news is that you don’t need a perfect speech. Children mostly take their cue from you. If you speak calmly, simply and warmly, most children follow your lead.
Here is what I suggest to the parents I work with, including a few scripts you can borrow or change to sound like you.
When and where should you bring it up?
Choose a calm moment, not the middle of an argument or a meltdown. The Child Mind Institute suggests avoiding the topic during conflict and at bedtime, when worries tend to get bigger. A car ride, a walk or a relaxed weekend meal often works well, because there is less pressure to make eye contact and talk “properly.”
Timing matters too. The same article suggests telling most children about a week before the first appointment. For a child who tends to worry, a couple of days’ notice may be kinder, so there is less time to build it up in their head.
What to tell a preschooler (ages 3 to 5)
Keep it short and concrete. Young children want to know who, where and what will happen.
You might say:
“On Wednesday, we’re going to see Susan. She has a room full of toys, and she helps kids with big feelings. You can play there, and I’ll be close by.”
If your child has had a lot of doctor visits, it can help to be clear that this is a different kind of visit. The Child Mind Institute suggests reassuring young children that this is someone who talks about feelings, not someone who gives shots. Repeat the plan a few times during the week so it feels familiar.
In my playroom, children this age mostly play, with toys, art materials, the sand tray and games. That’s how young children work through feelings, and it’s why I use play therapy with children from about 3 to 12. You can tell your child honestly that they will get to play.
What to tell a school-age child (ages 6 to 12)
School-age children can handle a little more explanation, and they often want to know why.
It can help to connect therapy to something they already know. The Child Mind Institute suggests comparing a therapist to a school counselor, someone whose job is helping kids with feelings. You can also name what you have noticed, gently, and link therapy to something your child cares about.
You might say:
“I’ve noticed that worries have been making school mornings really hard. I’ve found someone called Susan whose job is helping kids with worries. We’re going to meet her together. You’re not in trouble. Lots of kids go to see someone like her.”
Or:
“Things have been hard since we moved. Susan helps kids and families when a lot has changed. The whole family wants to help you feel better.”
Some children want details: What’s the room like? Will you stay? Answer what you can. If you don’t know, it’s fine to say, “Let’s ask Susan together.” For children who worry about being left, the Child Mind Institute suggests reassuring them that you can stay at first until they feel ready.
What to tell a teenager
Teens usually want to be treated as partners in the decision, not as a problem that needs fixing. The Child Mind Institute suggests focusing on how therapy can help them, and being honest and specific about what you’ve noticed, without blame.
You might say:
“I’ve noticed you’ve seemed really stressed and down lately, and I care about how you’re doing. I’d like you to try talking with someone who isn’t me. It’s your space, and what you say there is mostly private.”
The American Academy of Pediatrics offers a comparison many teens find fair: “We wouldn’t let you walk on a sore leg if we thought something might be wrong.” Mental health deserves the same care.
Privacy matters a lot to teens. Be honest that what they say is generally kept confidential, with exceptions for safety. I explain the details of privacy with every teen and parent at the start, so you don’t have to get it exactly right yourself. Many teens I see prefer to talk rather than play, and I often use practical tools from CBT and mindfulness. You can read more about how I work with children and teens.
What not to say
A few things tend to backfire:
- Using therapy as a threat or punishment. “Keep acting like this and you’ll have to see a therapist” teaches your child that therapy is a consequence. The Child Mind Institute specifically warns against framing it this way. Children can easily worry they are going because they did something wrong or because you are angry with them, so say clearly that they are not in trouble.
- Bringing it up mid-argument. Heat of the moment is exactly when it will sound like punishment.
- Over-promising. “She’ll fix everything” or “you’ll love it” sets up pressure. Something like “I think it could really help” is more honest.
- Keeping it a secret. Telling a child they are going somewhere else, and then arriving at a therapist’s office, can damage trust. Children cope far better when they know what is happening.
What if your child refuses?
Some children say no, especially teens. That’s normal, and it doesn’t mean therapy won’t work.
The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests you let your teen know you understand their reluctance, and encourage them to give it a try. A few ideas that often help:
- Ask what worries them about it. Sometimes it’s something simple you can clear up (“Will I have to talk about everything straight away?”).
- Suggest a trial: “Let’s try three sessions, and then we’ll talk about how it’s going.”
- Give real choices where you can, such as the day or time.
- If your child had a bad experience before, the Child Mind Institute suggests saying that you may just not have found the right match yet.
It’s also worth knowing that with younger children, I often start by meeting you, the parent, on your own. Even if your child is hesitant, that first step can go ahead, and we can plan together how to bring your child in.
What to say after a session
The drive home is where many parents want to ask, “So what did you talk about?” It comes from love, but it can feel like a quiz.
Instead, try a light, open comment and let your child lead:
- “I’m glad you went today.”
- “Anything you want to tell me about it? No pressure.”
- Or simply nothing, and a snack.
Some children will tell you a lot. Others will say “we played,” and that is fine. Therapy is working on the inside. I keep parents informed about the general themes and progress, so you won’t be left in the dark, even if your child doesn’t share much.
A quick checklist before the first session
- Tell your child ahead of time, in a calm moment.
- Keep it simple and matched to their age.
- Say clearly that they are not in trouble.
- Answer their questions honestly, and say “let’s find out” if you don’t know.
- Don’t quiz them afterwards.
If you’d like a sense of what the first appointment itself looks like, read what to expect in your first therapy session.
Talk it through with me
If you are not sure what to say to your child, or your child is resisting the idea, we can talk it through before anyone sets foot in my office. I see children, teens and parents in King City, a few minutes from central Tigard. For a free phone consultation, call me at 503-495-5072 or send me a message.
Sources
- Cornwell, S. (2023, updated 2024). How to Talk to Kids About Starting Therapy. Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-starting-therapy/
- Sheldon-Dean, H. (2024). Preparing for Your Child’s First Appointment. Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/preparing-for-your-childs-first-appointment/
- Rahmandar, M. H., & Colburn, M. D. (2026). Teen Mental Health Support 101: Types of Treatment & How to Get Help. HealthyChildren.org, American Academy of Pediatrics. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/teen/Pages/teen-mental-health-support-101-types-of-treatment-how-to-get-help.aspx
- Nemours KidsHealth. Going to a Therapist (for Kids). Reviewed by D’Arcy Lyness, PhD, January 2023. https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/going-to-therapist.html